I wish I knew what to tell you to make you feel better.
I didn't realize how homesick I was until I saw those pictures. I didn't realize how different my life is now…and I wish you were here. I wish all these fun times I've had, all these memories, could be shared with you.
You all are not lame. You're my family. Always will be. I'll always be a part of it, and you will always have a safe spot in my heart. I know it's tough, trust me. I find myself crying a lot because I love it here, but I also love you guys. I so long to see a familiar face sometimes…eat some familiar food…listen to familiar voices…but I don't know, I feel like this is my new home…not Jason's house, the area. I love it. I guess it's because it's still new to me, and I love the fact that I'm somewhere new, doing something new. I know you went through this phase in Mexico City, and you got over it eventually…that may happen with me…may not…
I don't know Nat. I don't know what's gonna happen with my life. I don't know what I wanna do for the rest of my life…I don't know what I'm supposed to do. And I try not to worry. It's so overwhelming if I do.
It means the world to me that you are happy with me being here. I know deep inside you don't totally mean it, just like I'm not totally happy here. I feel so empty sometimes. But knowing that you are not mad at me for not being there is a little comforting.
Aside from us, know that I miss mom with all my heart. I think about her all the time, so much that I can almost hear her voice sometimes. I need her so much sometimes. I miss her rubbing my back after work…I miss her peeking her little head through my door at night to say good night…I miss her. I miss her chubby hands holding mine. "Then why don't you come back?" you may ask…I don't know. Sometimes I feel like my pride won't let me. I always talked about how I didn't wanna settle for a valley college…I know it's not a big deal since I'm going to a lame community college here anyway, and sometimes I just feel like beating myself up because I feel like it wasn't worth the hassle. I could have my family and a good school at the same time…I guess I just wanted to show myself that I could do it-the whole moving out thing.
I don't want to be the sister that no one ever sees, the aunt that the kids have never met, the high school friend…but I know there's something greater for me. And I feel like it's not the valley. This is how I feel now at least…you know me, I am indecisive, stubborn, and prideful. I hope I can figure it out soon…I really do.
Still, I love you Nat. Always have, always will. You, too, are and will always be at the top of my Best Friends list. You'll always hold that special place in my heart, and all those great memories…I treasure them dearly. I am thankful for you and everyone else…thankful for our relationship…I miss you lots.
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