My Redeemer Lives

Indeed He does.

At the Women of Faith conference this weekend, I was given hope. God spoke to me, and it felt amazing. I hadn't heard His voice in some time…actually I didn't quite want to listen.

The conference started with worship. With just about every song, I felt this weird feeling inside. Like, a sudden outburst of tears wanted to come out. My heart has been so thirsty, broken, empty lately. I just needed something, anything, to know that God is still after my heart because I honestly felt like, after everything, why would He still pursue me? Every song finally made sense to me. Every word had a meaning, and I sang them to God.

Then came Steven Curtis Chapman. He sang some songs; spoke about his family and having to deal with the lost of his little girl. He spoke of Maria and the hope of one day dancing with her again. As he sang "Cinderella", the music video was playing. It was a video of shadows basically. He was playing the guitar, singing, while a little girl danced and twirled to the music. As the girl kept growing in the song, she did so too in the video. It was then that the tears started gushing out. I was trying to avoid them all night, but this just broke my heart. Here was Maria, a little orphan from China, blessed with the perfect adoptive dad apparently, and she had to die. The images of him dancing with his daughter, lifting her up and spinning her broke me. Why wasn't I blessed with that? Why me? Questions I've asked myself my whole life. The answer has been in front of me the whole time, but somehow I feel like I had to be mad, I had to be hurt. Forgiving my father was only a phrase, a prayer, but my heart could never actually do it. I know I'm allowed to be hurt, but I should also allow God to be my ultimate healer.

This morning, at the last part of the conference, I felt kind of bleh (maybe because I was tired). Sheila Walsh went up, and she's the reason why I know of Women of Faith in the first place, so I was excited. She talked about recent hardships in her marriage and the struggle she had in forgiving her husband. God spoke to me again. Forgiveness. "Forgive just as I have forgiven you." I want to forgive like God does. Forgetting about every last detail, throwing whatever it may be to the bottom of the ocean. I want to really forgive this time, after all, who am I to fault someone when I am not innocent myself?

Today, my heart found light again.

Today, I was redeemed.

Today, my Father swept me off my feet.